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" ,@KA  2 ,@Kha?2 }a1`> @ haa `@ haa}a c`08`0>0>08 c EG EBGDGDGGGB F 66$~$$~$H bd&F((EB=   ~<~ ?? ?? >gks> >>~8~~~`ff`~~>~`~c>80>c>c>>c??> < ~~~~ 08<80 ~?>00.TtTT>ccc~~c~?```?~cc~~`?~```?`oc?cc{{ccc~cg~|ngc`````~ckkkk~ccccc>ccc>~~``>ccm~?~~gc88~00?ccccc?cccw>kkkkk>cw>>wccc?~8@  <~"x ~>ccc~~c~?```?~cc~~`?~```?`oc?cc{{ccc~cg~|ngc`````~ckkkk~ccccc>ccc>~~``>ccm~?~~gc88~00?ccccc?cccw>kkkkk>cw>>wccc?~80p p66Gͼp͇ͼG~0w:\6W> 2\Nk G^(C\>>?o2\*Q\s#r()!m_~GN 2\/F N GGUW:\"rOU:\ :\҆ Gͼq#p͇FOx(OͼͼqNšGNG6v:\G^(2\6w5R C6R*\:\> !;\ˮn(:\ (( n n >2\"\ G^5R( 8֥ ͇ͼ(!;\ˆ !\N(ˮˎ8$8[{\֐$G8 !\(#!\[6\(Xo&)))+N G^(N G^(@ #~WV(/͇O(A ͇NvO:\=01Gͪ"G>GWF 0~ x/0~~wN  ͼF͇wN GG>GF(>ȇ!\nˮ![G~M!\N.N(GfGFN(GvGVF_>W{&[???Gzo{5>![uFGw#GxWT8 > 0 ^#0z (((|((|(8P8T8`d L 0@H\,0 0:1:0:4:63570R:236066\,80P:236077\,244:#15;12 ;25;"SCEPTICAL 3  1987 DELTA 4"'"v1.53 101 Pages Free +Multikeys"''"Enter Today's Date:" :8000@:#15;'"Enter Current Time:":8000@ 502:0.01z# =,40(:#15;''"""Welcome to Sceptical 3.""":100d:23613=\,0:23614>\,0 P\7::8:P=100d:LP=0:C=4:N$(4):N$="100 ":1000 d!"* SCEPTICAL 3 - Main Index *","Back again, scarred but smiling, in","another bumper edition of Sceptical!"," ","{101} The Shocking Truth","{103} Something Completely Different","{130} ABSTRACT CONCEPTS- the background","{150} News Headlines","{180} Adverts","{195} A Piranha Competition!","{200} The End, surely!"," ","+ all the usual controversial mallarky","scattered liberally throughout..."," ","""SCEPTICAL 3"" Written by Fergus McNeill,","with contributions from Anna, CSB & Jase.","Copyright (c) 1987 DELTA 4 Software.","`" eR"The SHOCKING TRUTH!!!","Judith Child has left DELTA 4 Software.","The reasons behind her departure remain","shrouded in secrecy."," ","These events have led to some pretty","damn radical changes here, both in policy","and in staff."," ","(People who don't wish to be bored"," by such trivia should QL to page 103!)",";","`" f"MORE SHOCKING TRUTH!!!","As well as the regular crowd- Fergus,","Jason, ""SPUD"" and Colin, we now have in","our ranks Stephanie Stranger. Straight","out of Dynasty, she is co-writing a","series of adventures and is usually to","be found, huddled over the 8256 (one day,","maybe we'll find out what exactly she's","been typing all this time!)."," ","And the new policy? Well, read on","and see....","`" g"And Now For Something Completely Irish","WARNING! Do not read this page if","you are Irish!"," ","WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN WITH A","UNIVERSITY DEGREE?","A liar.","WHY DID THE IRISH STOP MAKING ICE CUBES?","The old lady who knew the recipe died.","WHY DO IRISH COUNCIL WORKERS HAVE TEA-","BREAKS OF ONLY 10 MINUTES?","Any longer, and they'd need retraining.","WHAT HAS AN IQ OF 130?","Ireland.","DEFINE ""GROSS IGNORANCE"".","144 Irishmen.","`" ht"A GUIDE TO POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY!","SOCIALISM You have 2 cows- you give one","to your neighbour.","COMMUNISM You have 2 cows- the government","takes both and gives you the milk.","FASCISM You have 2 cows- the government","takes both and sells you the milk.","NAZISM You have 2 cows- the government","takes both and shoots you.","CAPITALISM You have 2 cows- you sell one","and buy a bull.","TRADE UNIONISM You have 2 cows- they","take both from you, shoot one, milk the","other, and throw the milk away."," ","MORAL?","DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH COWS","THEY WILL ONLY BRING YOU TROUBLE!","`" iK"Whatever happened to..."," "," "," "," Secret Squirrel?","`" jt"""EASTENDERS""","To the question:"," ","What is the appeal of this soap? DELTA 4","watch every episode, but why?"," ","Is it-"," ","(a) The storyline is so bad that it's"," amusing?","(b) The acting is so bad that it's"," amusing?","(c) The possibility of seeing something"," horrible happen to Lofty?","(d) All of the above?","`" kJ"Whatever happened to..."," "," "," "," Evil Kenevil?","`" lT"*** ~LOOK, BOYS!~ ***"," This is for YOU!","Fed up of people who find you dull?","Sick of being lonely just because you","enjoy ~playing~ with your ~computer~?","Annoyed that girls dislike your spots,","yellow teeth, greasy hair and BO?","Worry no more! Now, PLC Ltd brings you..."," "," ""NAUGHTY INVADERS!""","Endless fun as you waggle your joystick","to fire liquid terror at suggestive","sprites.","69 levels- play it straight or bend","the rules- just `2.50 from PLC Ltd!"," ","Govnmt WARNING! Flacidware makes you","prone to typing eroz@$#!","`" m"*** ~GIRLS~ ***","Have NOTHING to do with any boy who enjoys","Flacidware!"," "," ","(You'll probably catch something fearful!)","`" nN"Whatever happened to..."," "," "," "," Paul Daniels' hair?","`" o~"Whatever happened to..."," "," "," "," Lenny Bennett?"," ","Who cares what happened to Lenny Bennett?!","`" p"Yet another TRUE STORY from DELTA 4!","It was one of those boring afternoons,","nothing to do and all out of food."," ","~Bored, bored, bored, bored...~","~Yes.~","~Sure there's nothing to eat?~","~Rubber all.~","~Oh.~","~Fancy going up to Wendy's?~","~What?! Wendy's? As in Wendy's Hamburgers?"," As in Cambridge Circus? As in LONDON?!~","~Yeah.~","~Oh. All right then...~"," ","And so, Colin & Fergus went forth unto","the station and, some hours later, were","sitting down to their burgers....","`" q"WHAT THE PAPERS SAY...","The Times is read by the people who run","the country, The Mirror is read by the","people who think they run the country,","The Guardian is read by the people who","think they ought to run the country,","The Morning Star is read by the people","who think the country ought to be run by","another country, The Daily Mail is read by","the wives of the people who run the","country, The Financial Times is read by","the people who own the country, The Daily","Express is read by the people who think","the country ought to be run as it used to","be, The Daily Telegraph is read by the","people who think it still is, The Sun is","read by the people who don't care who runs","the country as long as she's got big ti...","`" r"CRUMPETLINE","Accountant? Systems Analyst? Bank Clerk?","Politician? Journalist?"," ","Yes? Then you're probably single and you","definitely need CRUMPETLINE !"," ","What can CRUMPETLINE do for you?"," ","CRUMPETLINE will find someone for YOU !","You will find that deep, satisfying*","relationship you've always wanted."," ","CRUMPETLINE application form on page 115."," "," ","*As long as you don't mind what your"," partner looks like.","`" s%"CRUMPETLINE","-------------------------------->8------","Yes, I'm desperate for a date."," ","SEX: Male/Female/Please","AGE: Over 30/Over 50/Over the hill","INCLINATION: Hetero/Homo/Bi/Desperate","HOBBIES: Flower pressing/Watching TV","RELIGION: Buddhist/C of E/Moonie/Other","POLITICAL PARTY: Commie/MR Loony/NF/Other","AGE TO MEET: Under 17/Under 15/Don't care"," ","-------------------------------->8------"," ","Tick as appropriate and return (with SAE","and WITHOUT photo!) to-","CRUMPETLINE, PO BOX 73, MAIDSTONE, KENT.","`" t"Great Sayings Of Our Time.","""A bird in the hand is worth two in the"," bush (unless you happen to be holding a"," common or garden sparrow and the bush"," contains a couple of live Dodos).""","`" u"Great Sayings Of Our Time.","""You can lead a horse to water but you"," can't make it drink (unless you've been"," dehydrating it for a couple of weeks"," before-hand).""","`" v4"Great Sayings Of Our Time.","""@#$% off.""","`" wL"Whatever happened to..."," "," "," "," BIG 'K' Magazine?","`" x"Hark & Lo (+ other such mallarky)!","And verily, it did cometh to pass, that","Borriss who is called Cedric, didst","journey to his cousin Peter who is","called Mary.","And when he gottest there, he verily spake","thus, saying unto Peter,","""Mary, I beseach thee, how art thou?""","And Peter replied unto him, saying,","""Mary? Who the hell d'ya think you're"," talking to?! Just 'cos I got invited"," to a drag party and you didn't! Go and"," play in the road!""",";","`" y"Verilly & Suchlike","And lo, it cameth also to pass that","Borriss (or Cedric, depending on how","thou lookest at these things) was sore","displeased and mightilly miffed off.","And he went and gottethed his great","stick (the one, yea, with all the","nasty pointed bits on!).","And Borriss came unto Peter (or Mary,","but we hath been into that before) and","smote him grievously about the head","saying,","""Sit on this, you low life mother!""",";","`" zn"AND NOW... THE MORAL!!!"," "," ","Don't take the mickey out of a wierdo","if he's got a big stick.","`" {I"10 Exciting Uses For A ZX81!"," 1. Frisbee"," 2. Trendy Hat"," 3. Offensive Weaponary"," 4. Coffee Table"," 6. Paving Slab"," 5. Ash Tray"," 7. Nuclear Shelter"," 8. Cuddly Toy"," 9. Bed for small persons","10. Immitation Apple 2GS (for added"," realism, paint the ZX81 white)","`" |"Bernard The Bunny's Day Out.","In a hole, in the ground, there lived a","bunny. Not an ordinary bunny, such as","you or I might see in a field dying of","myxomatosis; no, this was a really gross,","well looked-after bunny.","Bernard lived in a modern hutch, leading","an upper class life in a middle class","area."," ","The trouble was... he was a Communist!"," ","Bernard knew as well as any bunny, that","there wasn't much call for Red rabbits.","So what was he to do?",";","`" }"Bernard The Bunny's Day Out.","Being a Commie was difficult for a well-","to-do rabbit.","Instead of eating biscuits all day, he","should be a coal miner or something,","sleeping in a pile of rabbitpoo, eating","black pudding or grass or whatever it","was they ate up in Yorkshire (where, he","supposed, all the working class rabbits","must live)."," ","""I will go to Yorkshire!"" Bernard thought,","""There, I can be a proper Communist"," rabbit.""",";","`" ~"Bernard The Bunny's Day Out.","That night, when it was dark, Bernard","the bunny took 2 packets of his most","specially favourite biscuits, and put","them into his little suitcase.","He gave the servants a week off and left","a clear, concise note for the milkman."," ","Then, out under the stars for the first","time since he had been a very small","bunny, Bernard set off on his adventure.","Yorkshire was a long way for one bunny","to travel.",";","`" 7"Bernard The Bunny's Day Out.","Bernard was half way to the station when","he realized that he'd left his credit","cards at home.","""Drat."" he said (actually, he said","something else, but this is a 'nice'","story and we can't print certain words).","Bernard turned to go home when suddenly,","he heard a ruccuss."," ","The ruccuss arrived."," ","It was a fox, grinning evilly. The fox","was followed by a group of animal rights","supporters, all yelling,","""Save the foxes!""","They, Bernard noted, constituted the","larger proportion of the ruccuss.",";","`" "Bernard The Bunny's Day Out.","""It's eating time, fans!"" philosophized","the fox as he picked up Bernard the","bunny and began to savage him.","""Goodness!"" thought Bernard (okay, he","actually didn't phrase it quite like","that!) as he pulled his .44 Magnum and","blew the fox's head clean off."," ","""Murderer!"" roared the animal rights","crowd, who rushed over and stamped on","Bernard the bunny."," ","""Bloomin' BUAV!"" thought Bernard."," ","Moral: Hunt sabbing is bad news for","bunnies (left-wing or otherwise).","`" " ","PLEASE NOTE:"," ","The underlying motives and views","expressed in ""Bernard The Bunny's Day","Out"" are those of Fergus McNeill and are","not endorsed by Piranha Software or","Macmillan Ltd."," ","Any irate women with crew cuts or hippy","hairstyles wishing to find a scape-goat","are advised to go and boil their heads,","quickly, and by the most expedient","possible means."," "," ","DELTA 4 Software - April 1987","`" "Abstract Concepts","Abstract Concepts is the new ""serious","adventure"" label of DELTA 4."," ","We've decided to keep DELTA 4 games","humorous and set up a new title to cover","straight adventures.",";","`" "Abstract Concepts","Run by the mysterious Anna Popkess,","AC adventures will start hitting the","streets from mid '87 onwards."," "," ","Watch out for the first titles!","`" " ","""'ere, was that an advert I just seen"," there?"""," ","""Nah, it's not page 180 yet."""," ","""But that was an advert."""," ","""It just sounded like an advert."""," ","""What? So if I go on BBC1 and say 'Buy"," Pedigree Chum dog food.' they won't"," mind, so long as I assure them that"," it's not an advert, it just sounds"," like one; is that what you're saying?"""," ","""Oh, shut up!""","`" x"Further Tales Of Bernard The Bunny.","At the expensive vetinary clinic, the","doctor with the suspiciously white mask","over his face looked up from the small","furry form of Bernard the bunny (who","had just been attacked by the BUAV)","and said,","""At last, oh thank goodness!""","""You mean...?"" whispered the nurse.","""Yes!"" smiled the doctor, ""He's dead.""","`" "Little Known Facts #57437"," ","People who smoke Silk Cut and Low Tar","Superkings are capable of smoking real","cigarettes as well!","`" "Bernard The Bunny's Funeral.","""That's it, in here. Hang on and I'll"," hold the door open for you...""","""Thanks.""","""Right, got him? Okay. Now, just let"," me.... there! Put him in."""," ","SPLASH!"," ","""Pull the chain, nurse."""," ","CLANK... FLUSH!"," ","""Bye bye, Bernard! Doctor he's stuck,"," push him down with the loo brush..."," yes, that's him.""","""Over the road for a drink?""","""Why not? After you, doctor....","`" "Grateful to Gertrude","If you have a problem, why not write to","Granny Gertrude, your friendly computer","game agony aunt?"," ","All she can do is publish your letter,","laugh, and make an exhibition of you","in front of several thousand people..."," ","Send your problem, name, address, phone","number, worst photo, etc. to-"," ","Granny Gertrude, PO BOX 73,","Maidstone, Kent.","`" P" ","Dear Granny Gertrude,","This is now the second letter I have","written to you and I'm really desperate!","I have a spot on my behind. I have had","this condition for 1.2 days now, and I","don't know what to do!","What if, in years to come, I get a","boyfriend. I could never let him see","me in a swim suit or he would notice","my spot!","Help me please!","Patty Walsdel, 23 Ashview Terrace,","Bromley, London."," ","Gertrude replies-","So you've got a spot. So what?! With","the sort of blokes you get in Bromley,","you're better off single!","My advice: stay home an watch TV.","`" >" ","Dear Granny Gertrude,","I am 5. Can you help me?!","Jamie, Jamie's House, Bristol."," ","Gertrude replies-","You poor boy! Your problem is a sad one","that is difficult to live with.","My advice: put off worrying about it for","a few years. If you're still 5 then,","it's time to start worrying for real!","`" x" ","Dear Granny Gertrude,","I am a crazed, sadistic, schizophrenic","psychopath. Last week, I axe murdered","my therapy group, and now I'm lonely.","Can you help me?","Basil... no, Simon Tyler, 12 Seg Point,","Wandsworth, London."," ","Gertrude replies-","Well, at least you're never alone with","schizophrenia!","My advice: find a therapy group that","can run fast.","`" 8" ","Dear Granny Gertrude,","It's me again from Bromley, Patty.","I didn't like your advice the last time","because there are some really nice","blokes in Bromley.","As you were so useless, I'm going to","kill myse.... AAARRRGGGHHH!!!"," "," "," ","Gertrude replies:","Good. Now don't write to me again!","`" "Be It Ever So Horrible!","It was a dark and stormy night (again).","Colin, Jase, Anna and Fergus went to","laugh at ""Room With A View"".","Afterwards, they crossed the road to","ransack Burger King, Fergus having been","delegated to pay (as he was the only","one possessed of any dosh)."," "," WARNING ","It's been tame so far.","On the next page it gets horrible!","You are advised to SWITCH OFF NOW!!!",";","`" a"Be It Ever So Ever So Horrible!","Paddy (or whatever his name was, Irish","twit!) eventually rustled up our order.","We then sat down.","Colin was soon left with half a double","Whopper cheese. A second later....","...it was gone!","""What did he do with it?!"" asked Anna,","alarmed. Colin just smiled (a fearsome,","ketchup-covered sight!)",";","`" "The Total!","Two Double Whopper Cheese Burgers,","One Large Fries","One Apple Pie","One Danish Pastry","Two Chocolate Shakes","And plenty of Anna's fries!"," ","The rest of us were amazed at how much","he put away.","(And if you think that's bad...."," Col was looking hungrilly at passers-"," bye on the way back to Abstract"," Concepts!)"," ","Cannibalism at D4S? Tune in next week","for details....","`" -"APOLOGY","Page 142 was flagrantly anti-Irish."," ","We're sorry."," ","No, really, we are."," ","The Irish aren't thick. They don't take","forever to get your order in Burger","King. They're not a bunch of deformed","leprechauns."," ","The Irish are okay.","So are the Welsh...","`" "No, really, this time we mean it!","Sorry, we're not really anti-Irish!","(I know several people from Ireland"," and they're all very nice.)"," "," ","Sorry!","`" "#","End Of Part One.","`" ""#","*** INTERMISSION ***","`" "Fine Indian Cuisine?","Come to the Mucky Tandoori restaurant,","35 Wyndham Court, Southampton (just","behind the gasworks)."," ","All the taste and atmosphere you could","want- why not try our exciting new","Elephant Curry? (Trunk Pasanda extra)."," ","Free water for all customers.","Fire extinguishers and ample toilet","facilities on-site."," ","Health Inspectors by appointment only.","`" "#","Part Two.","`" V"NEWS HEADLINES","151 Wendy's vanishes!"," ","152 DELTA 4 spring surprise raid on"," Magnetic Scrolls!"," ","153 Possibility of Judith solo"," adventure!"," ","154 Third ""Muddle Earth"" game being"," discussed by D4S?!"," "," ","News items reported do not necessarily","contain any element of truth.",";","`" Y"Wendy's Vanishes!!!","It wasn't a dark and stormy night but","it was a fairly blustery afternoon and","already it had been a long day.","Leading a small delegation from DELTA 4,","Fergus emerged from Leicester Square","tube station and called a halt.","""Lo!"" he said, pointing towards","Cambridge Circus.","The delegation shuffled north.","Approaching the site of Wendy's, the","thought of food reared in their minds.","""They've redecorated the place."" said","Fergus, looking through the window."," ","Then, they noticed. It was a Pizza Hut!"," ","Are there any Wendy's left? We hope so!","`" "DELTA 4 Raid Maggot Rolls!","Early morning."," ","Wandering between the towering height","of office blocks near London Bridge","station."," ","DELTA 4 entered the sacred portals of","of those Pawn-o-graphic persons,","Magnetic Scrolls."," ","Philosophizing with Anita, drinking","lots of coffee, smoking copious numbers","of cigarettes; all in all, a very","pleasant day out.","`" ."Possible Judith Solo Adventure?!","We never see her these days, but rumour","has it that the ex-DELTA 4 rebel is","planning to unleash a totally original","concept in adventures onto you, the","unsuspecting public."," ","Personally,","we","just","can't","wait","to","see","it!!!","`" "A return to ""Muddle Earth""?!!!","""Oh my gosh, NO!!!"" we hear you cry as","you reach for your cyanide pills."," ","DELTA 4 are only *considering* the","possibility of doing another follow-up","to ""Bored Of The Rings"" and ""The","Boggit"".","Would all you out there in computerland","like that?","Write and tell us."," ","Write to-","DELTA 4, Room 101, The Shieling,","New Road, Swanmore, Hants SO3 2PE.","`" "NB!","Please note that the DELTA 4 address","listed on page 154 is NOT a source","of free-","posters,","hint-sheets,","5.25 inch disks,","photographs,","pirate software,","computers,","or any of the other things you lot keep","writing in for!"," ","""So there!""","`" "CLUES.","Stuck in ""The Big Sleaze""?","Fear not!","Help is at hand!"," ","Hints:","The Statue of Liberty is situated on","Liberty Island. The only way there is","via a ferry from Battery Park on the","mainland."," ","New York Public Library is in Central","Manhattan."," ","The shortest solution of the game will","only require loading each part once.","The sequence of parts is 1 >> 3 >> 2!","`" "CLUES contd.","More Hints:","Remember, ""The Big Sleaze"" handles more","than the standard verb+noun input.","It may often be necessary to be more","specific with your commands."," ","Be careful around Central Park after","dark...","`" U"Great Sayings Of The Rich & Famous."," ""Nyah, nyah, nyah nyah, nyah!""","`" E"Where are they now?"," "," "," Musical Youth?","`" "Great Sayings Of Our Time.","""When people get bored, they get"," depressed."," When people get depressed, they eat."""," "," ","Once, Colin saw a boring film..."," ","Burger King was finished!","`" "Horrorscopes!","Are you one of those people?","You know, the ones who look at their","stars and go,"," ","""Oooh, Mavis! Look, that's exactly right"," what it says 'ere!"""," ","If so, then check out your DELTA 4","Horrorscope..."," ","162 Aries163 Taurus","164 Gemini165 Cancer","166 Leo167 Virgo","168 Libra169 Scorpio","170 Sagittarius171 Capricorn","172 Aquarius173 Pisces","`" -"aries march 21 - april 20","Things look great for you just now.","Today should see you using your computer","extensively. Serious pressure from home","and work may lead to your axe-murdering","friends if you are not careful.","You may meet a tall dark stranger but","don't worry if you don't.","`" `"taurus april 21 - may 21","Full of bull today, you should play it","close to your chest for the rest of the","week (so friends can't see what a","rubbish hand you're holding in the","great card game of social survival!)."," ","""I like that. Very eloquent."" -Ed."," ","""Thanks!"""," ","Beware of making hasty decisions in","your love-life!","`" +"gemini may 22 - june 21","Schizophrenia will prey heavilly on your","mind(s) today as Mars begins its trial","separation from the moon.","Criminal tendancies should be beaten","into submission or business friendships","could be soured."," ","Be careful whilst blowing your nose","this week!","`" 3"cancer june 22 - july 23","Venus passing Uranus signals it's time","to re-stock your wardrobe.","Throw out those flares and platform","shoes, and get something from Oxfam."," ","A personal crisis this week may","interfere with your brown-nosing at work","but struggle on and you may just","succeed.","`" R"leo july 24 - august 23","Jupiter is rising towards Mars, going","via the moon. But this has nothing to do","with you, Leos."," ","Your pretentious nature is beginning to","get the better of you again, so be","careful not to rile your partner","(unless your mate is a full-length"," mirror, as is common with your star"," sign!).","`" z"virgo august 24 - september 23","The current status of your Cosmic","whatnot indicates an on-coming period","of excessively hypochondriacal (even","for you!) tendancies."," ","This week shows distinct social","possibilities (this would be good if","you ever got any friends!)."," ","Mars exerts a strong influence and this","is symbolized by your reading","SCEPTICAL 3.","`" "libra september 24 - october 23","Indecision may or may not cause problems","this week."," ","Perhaps you should spend more time with","family and friends..."," ","...but then again, maybe not....","`" J"scorpio october 24 - november 22","Screw business friends for everything","they've got while Mercury pulls a fast","one on Saturn this week."," ","Homicide plans may go astray in the","next few days, but perhaps a windfall","will accompany this (unless friends","cotton on to your various schemes and","lynch you first!).","`" A"sagittarius november 23 - december 22","Today (as always) is as good a day as","any to try and wheedle cash or valuables","out of family and friends."," ","Don't overdo the sob-story too much","this week, as Mercury colliding with","Saturn emphasizes a possibility on your","part to be more excessive than usual!","`" "capricorn december 23 - january 20","Today's stars look bad, butt don't let","personal problems get your goat!"," ","Be careful to keep the private life","hidden underneath your work image and","things will go comfortably from bad to","worse.","`" J"aquarius january 21 - february 19","Buy another Herbal Speedstick this week","to keep BO insecurity at bay.","Good astral vibes emanate from the","health food shop this week, but Jupiter","hovering round Uranus should be taken","as a serious warning with regard to","the Harvest Pie (if you see what we're","getting at!).","`" "pisces february 20 - march 20","Nervous breakdowns this week may slow","you down a bit, but try not to let that","get to you."," ","News from overseas probably has little","relevance."," ","All in all, a very similair outlook","to last week.","`" " "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," "," ""Personally, I don't"," believe a word of it!""","`" U"#"," ""He's Back!"" "," "," Bernard The Bunny returns on page 176!","`" f"The Return Of Bernard The Bunny.","It was dark now."," ","All the lights were off in the vetinary","clinic and all was quiet (except for the","howls of the odd tramp who, with the","intent of cadging a bed for the night,","had claimed to be a dog and agreed to","undergo certain ""alterations""!)."," ","In the mens loos, a toilet seat creaked.",";","`" "Meanwhile, 1426.125 Miles Away....","Bernard the Bunny opened his eyes.","He was, he decided, on a beach. But it","wasn't a pretty, sandy beach, covered","in nubile young females with only-just-","sprayed-on bikinis running about."," ","The whole beach was covered in something","Bernard knew would have to be edited","out if it was mentioned in the text."," ","""Sounds like 'grit'."" he thought brownly","to the world in general and the editor","in particular...."," ","""Yo bleedin' ho!"" -Ed.",";","`" 9"6 Days & 47 cans of Rite Gard Later...","Bernard was outside the HQ of the local","animal rights group (he had been before,","on display as a ""cute"" helpless animal).","It had taken him some time to work out","why people would stop for a hitch-hiking","rabbit, but drive away when he got","within sniffing distance of the car.","But the deodorant had solved that","problem."," ","Pondering these things, Bernard the","Bunny lit the petrol bomb and posted it","through the animal rights HQ letterbox."," ","""Liberate that!"" he thought, and","went home.",";","`" "Bernard The Bunny - Epilogue.","That night, Bernard the Bunny slept","well. He was so cosy in his warm hutch","that he never heard the big red fire-","engine go roaring up the road with its","shiny brass bell ringing."," ","Deep under a pile of comfy straw,","Bernard the Bunny stirred and thought,","""From now on, it's Capitalism for me!"""," "," THE END."," "," ","That was an Anti-Socialist story.","NOT Officially endorsed by the BUAV.","`" 6"adverts adverts adverts adverts adverts","Advertisers Index"," ","181 Gilsoft"," ","182 The Adventurers Club Ltd"," ","183 Jim Douglas"," ","184 Piranha"," "," ","Wouldn't you like to advertise in","SCEPTICAL? For full details and a","comprehensive rate card, see page 2742.","`" t"The Professional Adventure Writer","PAW is a state-of-the-art graphic","adventure writing system, which allows","you to design, write and illustrate, fast","machine code adventures with ease.","It provides a powerful sentance parser","which caters for complex, chained","commands, decoding them automatically.","Simple to use multiple process tables","allow characters & problems to be","created for your adventures.","Includes versatile graphics editor and","many other outstanding features."," ","Gilsoft, 2 Park Crescent, Barry,","South Glamorgan CF6 8HD."," ","PAW is fully endorsed by DELTA 4.","`" "The Adventurers Club Ltd","Probably the strongest adventure-only","publication, the ACL dossier is packed","with adventure reviews, features,","articles and competitions."," ","As well as this, the club operates a","excellent helpline service and has a","comprehensive catalogue of discounted","software on offer to its members."," ","For details, write to:","The Adventurers Club Ltd.","64c Menelik Road,","London NW2 3RH.","`" "Jim ""TOTALLY AWESOME"" Douglas","All singing, all dancing, Jim Douglas","is a horribly marvellous sort of","personage."," ","As well as being generally stylish, he","is currently available for cabaret!"," ","(Reasonable rates, no cash-in-hand"," offers refused!)","`" "Piranha announces... ""FLUNKY""!","Another riot of arcade madness from Don","Priestley. Here's your chance to be a","real creepy crawly Flunky in Buck","House. Meet the Royals and try to do","their bidding in the wierdest version","of the Palace you can imagine.","A big game - if ever you complete it","you'll get a right Royal reward!"," ","On the Spectrum in September."," CBM 64 October."," Amstrad October."," ","Cassette versions `9.95.",";","`" "Piranha's Forthcoming Attractions!","Yogi Bear","A smarter-than-the-average arcade blast","featuring the nutcases of Jellystone","Park."," ","Judge Death","A 2000AD blast'em up. Play Judge","Anderson in a desperate bid to save","Megacity from the horrors of the Dark","Judges."," ","Gunboat","To hell and back on the pitching deck of","your high-speed gunboat. A big strategy","arcade game.",";","`" "Piranha's Forthcoming Attractions!","Roy of the Rovers","Save the team! Win the Cup Final! Can","Roy do it? Arcade adventure with a","great soccer theme."," ","Trap Door 2","More loony Don Priestley happenings in","and out of ""the thing upstairs'""","grim castle.","An all-new arcade adventure that takes","you back to the wierd world of Berk,","Drutt and Boni."," "," ","...and, of course, more from those","nice people at DELTA 4!",";","`" "Piranha Jokes (?)","Q. Why did the Piranha cross the road?","A. It's teeth were in the chicken's leg!"," ","Q. What do you call a Piranha in your"," bath?","A. Sir!"," ","Q. How do Piranhas make love?","A. They don't. They make War!"," ","Q. Why did the Piranha buy a computer?","A. For a quick byte!"," ","Please send any other good (clean)","Piranha jokes to Hellen Holland at","Piranha, 4 Little Essex Street,","London WC2R 3LF.","`" Q"Piranha at the PCW Show!","The 1987 PCW Show takes place at","Olympia 23-27th September."," ","Piranha will have a stand twice the","size of last year's and we'd like to","meet all our friends at this year's show","(our enemies will be fed to the real","Piranhas!)."," ","Please visit us on stand 1617 and see","our latest games.","`" 6"NB!","DELTA 4 had nothing to do with page 187!","`" " ","Pages 191, 192 & 193 are not meant to","be amusing.","They have a serious subject matter and","should therefore be taken seriously.","`" "Thought for the day #1.","It is alleged that a well-known animal","rights group recently spent goodness","knows how much (but it was plenty!)","dosh on new carpet.","We suppose that all this folding stuff","came in via the collecting tins (you","know, the ones with heart-breaking","pictures of furry animals being tortured","on)."," ","It's marvellous really, isn't it?","Just think how grateful of that carpet","all the suffering animals must be....","`" "Thought for the day #2.","It is alleged that the same well-known","animal rights group do not allow....","yes, you've guessed it.... animals are","not allowed on the new carpet."," ","Makes you wonder, doesn't it?","`" _"Thought for the day #3.","Is the well-known animal rights group","sincere? Or is it largely just an excuse","for a class war between the working-","class ""rebels without a cause"" and the","upper-class ""tyrants and snobs""....?"," ","Perhaps the world would be a happier","place if we gave our money to the non-","violent RSPCA instead....","`" >" ","End Of Serious Stuff."," ","On with SCEPTICAL 3!","`" "a piranha competition SHRIEK!!!",";","This, is a very simple competition."," ","All you have to do is answer the ""Big","Sleaze"" questions on the next page and","complete the catchy phrase shown.","Then, send your entry on a large piece","of paper to:"," ","Piranha boom DA, 4 Little Essex Street,","London WC2R 3LF."," ","The first 10 (yes, ten!) correct entries","received will win a... wait for it...","yes, a... CUDDLY PIRANHA! (""Gasp!"")","`" "the same piranha competition","The Questions! (to be answered)"," ","(1) What kind of gun does ""The Villain"""," carry around?","(2) What is item number 7 on the Nazi"," agenda sheet?","(3) What is carved on the ash trees in"," Central Park?","(4) Who is the coded note from?"," ","The Catchy Phrase! (to be completed)"," ","Piranha and DELTA 4 are running this","stupid competition because..........","...................................."," ","<<\,0:Z$  BZ$=";"#1;1,0;"More follows...":520 NZ$="`"P=200#1;1;1;0,0;"":  Z$="`" %#15:#15;Z$;:520 tP=100d201:0,0;N$(3);0,14;P:23613=\,0:23614>\,0 \I=:I<58:I>47/N$(C)=(I):1:C=C+1:C=5C=2:N$=I -I=13 N$=(LP+1)+" ":C=4 N$=PPLP500:LP=P 65022=184ƿ57342=184:"AIDS"''"Sure, you've heard all the jokesabout it, perhaps some were evenours, but this is now gettingbeyond a joke.Just in case you're the oneperson left who didn't know,AIDS is not a 'Gay' disease, itcan kill anyone.We aren't going to preach, wedon't push promiscuity, justremember those words,""DON'T DIE OF IGNORANCE!""":0:P=LP:500 BP:1000 @10.01z# =,40(:K=3:#15;"A>"; JSI=:23613=\,0:23614>\,0:#15;"_ ";8;8; TTI>31I<129K<32 #15;I;:K=K+1:0.01z# =,40( ^MI=12 K>3#15;8;:K=K-1:0.02{# =,39' h<I=13 K>3#15;" ":0.04|# =,38&: m<I=13 #15;" ":0.04|# =,38&:8000@ r 8010J kic180 T'adverts adverts adverts adverts adverts-* adverts adverts adverts adverts adverts m Z`